Lessons learned about youth ministry from a parent

Last week several hundred people gathered to celebrate the life of a remarkable woman who died of ALS. Nancy, a mother of 4, taught me a lot about youth ministry while her youngest daughter was in our youth group. Here are just a few things I’ve learned about being a youth and family minister from Nancy:

  1.  Praying with parents should be one of the most natural things you do. I can’t remember a conversation we had about her daughter that didn’t include a time of prayer, most of which she initiated. It became part of our conversation routinely.
  2. No matter how busy a parent may be, they still want to hear from me about their child. Nancy taught me as much as anyone what it looks like to walk together with parents in the spiritual formation of their children.
  3. Parents expect you to do what’s best for their child in any circumstance or context. She never hesitated to remind me of that in very kind and affirming ways.
  4. Parents are invested in their children more than I will ever be. No one prays harder, loves more deeply, thinks more about their children than the parent. Nancy taught me, even encouraged me, to not write off parents that seemed disengaged. The truth is, they love and care for their child more than I ever could. Consider the words below she wrote in November 2011. She asked these to be read at her Celebration of Life.  Notice her priority of involving children:

 

“I would like to propose a challenge for each person here today.  Obviously I have no clue how many are present, but if you cooperate, so much good can be done. Please be proactive in your quest to make better the life of someone caught in the reigns of what may be the toughest struggle of their life.


Also include your children, this will serve two purposes.  They need to follow in your footprints to be involved in a ministry that isn’t always pleasant. Secondly, you’re raising the next generation of believers. This type of ministry will seem natural to them since you provided first hand experience, and so the cycle continues.  If you are not confident going by yourself, team up with a friend who is comfortable.  After some time you will be like a pro!  You can release your partner and look for someone that needs your help to get involved.

 

Can you picture it?”

 

From My Shelves: Part 3

A friend and I were talking last week at lunch about preaching, teaching and homiletics. Our discussion turned to the question of resources. Since I had been letting go of books I asked him what five resources (other than the Bible) he would keep if he had to eliminate everything else.  We quickly agreed our Greek New Testaments and lexicons would be must-keeps. Beyond that, it was a little more challenging to decide.

Of all the books I’ve been culling, these have been the most difficult to thin out. Many of my teaching/preaching resources were specific to series, yet could be useful in other settings. But, I haven’t used some of those resources in years. I’ve resisted eliminating these resources, but truth is most of them haven’t been opened more than a few times in 12 years of ministry.

So, here’s been my criteria for my top five resources. It’s very technical and scientific. My top five resources are those that I’ve come back to most often when preaching or teaching. Based on that criteria here are my resources I would keep if I had to eliminate everything else.

  • A solid commentary, Word or Interpretation usually). I know I’m cheating here, but I appreciate the work and scholarship in commentaries, particularly those that are based on the original languages and are exegetical in nature (ie. Word Biblical Series and Anchor Bible series).
  • Luke Timothy Johnston’s  The Writings of the New Testament. He has updated this since I was in seminary. I’ve always found it very helpful when considering the entire writing of a New Testament book.
  • Bernhard Anderson’s Understanding the Old Testament. I’m sure there are more definitive, comprehensive resources that help one understand the historical context of the Old Testament, but this is the primary resource I used in an OT class and I return to it often to help me understand OT narratives.
  • My Greek New Testament. It’s difficult to consider myself a serious preacher or learned of the New Testament without my Greek text. I still plow through it when considering teaching from the New Testament.
  • Also cheating, because I’m still very much a beginner in Greek, I must have my lexicon.

So, there are mine. What resources have you found helpful that you consistently return to when teaching/preaching? 

Social Media and Boundaries

(My thoughts in this blog have been prompted by a friend’s blog post, Generation Text. Thanks to my friend, Brandon for a great post I highly recommend everyone who has a teenager to read. )

Helping our children navigate social media, cell phone use and other mobile technology is becoming increasingly important.  There are countless articles, blogs, web sites that explore this. Here are some of my observations as a student minister and parent.

Three observations

First, our children can connect with more people, in many more ways, and more easily than we ever could as teenagers. My parents worked hard to know the friends I spent time with. We can’t do that when our children have 2000 Facebook Friends or a few hundred contacts in their phone. It’s a challenge to know who and how often they are communicating with others. It’s nearly impossible to monitor discussions.

Second, we’re having to think differently about boundaries and guidelines we set for our children. For example, if dinner time is a protected family time, you not only have to turn off your home phone (if you have one), you’ve got to make sure each person’s iPod, cell, iPad, etc is not a distraction. You also have to think about how to handle boundaries such as bedtime. Do you allow your child to keep his/her phone with them or do you take it up. What about computer use in the bedroom? Many of us weren’t allowed to have a computer in our rooms. Smart phones are computers.

Third, we have to think differently about guarding the emotional, physical and spiritual safety of our children. It’s not uncommon for children and teens to provide too much information, not to mention share passwords with each other. This compromises their security and safety in ways they don’t realize.  It may seem harmless for a friend to get into another’s Facebook account and post a status, but some very damaging things have come from that. Not to mention many accounts have private information.

Three ideas

So, how do we navigate? Here are just a few ideas. You can find many more (and better suggestions from other resources, but these are ones we are trying)

  1. Set clear boundaries and expectations. This includes curfews, amount of time spent online, taking digital Sabbaths, etc. Don’t assume our teenagers will automatically set healthy boundaries . My experience (and research) suggests they won’t.
  1. Have complete access to all accounts your child has to sites such as Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumbler and more. Reset passwords regularly. Limit personal information such as email addresses, phone numbers, names, etc.
  1.  Spend time with your child on sites that interest him/her such as Pinterest, Pottemore, Tumbler, You Tube, Spotify and more. Take interest in the things they are interested in.

What are some ways you help your child navigate social media, text messaging, etc? 

Fundraising as Opportunity

Fundraising is one of those things many of us in student ministry do, but don’t really enjoy. I’ve heard it referred to as a “necessary evil.” I’ve also been in churches that didn’t believe in it. At one time I felt the same about fund raising as I did about seeing my dentist – it might be necessary, but I wasn’t going to enjoy it.

I’ve come to see the opportunity and potential of fundraising in student ministry. In my ministry, it’s one indicator of the health, support and buy-in to our student ministry – both in terms of money raised as well as involvement of parents and teens. Here are four things I’ve discovered about fundraising in student ministry.

Contextualize it as an invitation for the faith community to invest. Rather than seeing fundraising as a necessary evil, see it as a specific way your faith community can partner with parents in the spiritual formation of their teens. This is a great opportunity for the church body to support teens and parents in order make significant, transformational experiences more affordable. This works most effectively if you are consistently looking for ways to involve the faith community in the lives of your students in other ways. It’s another way to elevate community (borrowing from Reggie Joiner).

Make it personal. Many of those you are asking to donate aren’t personally connected with the experience or event for which you are fundraising. It’s been my experience in the case of church members  it’s not so much the experience they are choosing to invest in as it is the teenagers.  The more you personalize the more effective the fundraising. Two ways I’ve seen this done effectively include

1)      Connect stories of teens with the experiences for which you’re fundraising. Share testimonies of teens about the impact of mission trips and other experiences you’re invited the church to support. This makes it personal and demonstrates its value. Video testimonies, articles in new letters, quotes about experiences are great ways to do this.  This brings the experience to those who can’t go.

2)      Invite members to partner with specific students for specific purposes. For example, invite members who don’t have teens to become prayer partners. Do this ahead of time. Provide resources to prayer partners about your experience and give them things to pray. By doing this  you’re inviting people to invest,  not just in the event or experience, but in a specific teen. It makes it more personal.

Be specific. Communicate goals and purposes. This creates buy-in. It lets people know you have a plan. It also provides accountability. The times we’ve raised the most funds have been connected to specific experiences with clearly stated goals/objectives. Additionally, we work diligently to communicate how the experiences we fundraise for relate to the overall vision of our student ministry. We communicate the goal/purpose and the specific financial need.

Help parents to own it. It makes sense to create ownership by those who directly benefit. The most successful fundraisers we’ve done are those that have involved the greatest number of parents. We work hard to make fundraising a youth minister-supported, parent-driven event. We also have had best success planning those events that require families to work together to do something bigger than they could do on their own. This eliminates small, nickel-and-dime fundraising, as well as creates opportunities for parents to invest time and energy, develop relationships by working together on something.

I certainly haven’t exhausted the topic, but hopefully this provides a launching point for things to consider.

What are some things you’ve discovered in your ministry about fundraising? 

Grace, Forgiveness, Accountability and Consequences

If you’re an Arkansan or sports fan, you’re probably aware that Arkansas Razorback head coach, Bobby Petrino, was fired last night for a series of lies, deceptions and an inappropriate relationship with a 25-year-old woman on his staff. This was brought to light by a motorcycle accident he had last week. While most of the country has paid little attention to this, it has had a profound impact on Arkansas – sports fanatics and the indifferent alike. For Petrino is probably the most high profile public figure in all of Arkansas. His face is more recognizable than the governor’s.

The past several days have evoked strong responses from people all over the state. Many heatedly debated whether or not he should be fired. Staunch defenders supported him using phrases like “don’t be judgmental” or “we need to forgive, forget and win” while others have called for his head on a platter. Regardless of one’s view of the events, this has become a reminder that we live in a fallen, broken world with messed up priorities. It also offers those of us who mentor and influence teens an opportunity to speak truth into lives in a relevant, meaningful ways.

Parents, coaches, teachers, mentors, student pastors have the chance to engage students on important topics. That’s the purpose of this blog. It’s not to debate the events that happened. Instead, it’s to offer ideas of how to engage our students and children about topics that are important. Some of my ideas come from a friend who’s a coach and dad whom I respect greatly. Some are my own. But here are some things to consider talking to your teen about:

1)     Winning isn’t everything and certainly not the only thing.

In a culture driven by bottom lines, success, GPAs, wins and losses, it’s all too easy to look past more important things such as integrity, honesty and hard work.  As a teacher, I dealt with cheating among students – some of the worst were students who felt the pressure to make good grades. I had more respect for the student who handed me an incomplete assignment taking the bad grade and saying, “I just didn’t do it” than I did for the one who copied the assignment from someone the period before. The grade on the exam became more important than the learning process.  I think Jesus’ words to the rich young ruler are important here – “What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?” In other words, success isn’t worth missing out on the bigger story.

2)     The importance of making wise choices

Never underestimate the impact our decisions will have on others. The idea that “It’s my life. Why should it matter to anyone else” is a lie from Satan. The truth is our decisions, even small ones, can have impacts on others.  My friend said it well:  “It takes great maturity to make sound decisions and you can’t always make those decisions based on how you feel but rather on what you know.” We need to emphasize to our children the importance of decision-making. Isn’t that the entire theme of the Proverbs?  The Proverbs say it best:

Trust in the LORD with all your heart 
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight

One of the core truths in our children’s ministry that we want every child to grasp by the time the enter our student ministry is this – “I need to make the wise choice.” This requires constant guidance, teaching and nurturing in our teenagers.

3)     The importance of telling the truth

My friend says, “We lie because we think no one will find out, allowing us to continue living in the dark. But lies have a way of finding the light of day. And when they do, they destroy trust, which takes a long time to rebuild and often times never gets rebuilt.”

What has happened these past few days presents tremendous opportunities to discuss lying and the importance of being honest. This is nothing new. Parents want to teach their children the importance of being honest from the moment they are born. Many of us work hard at this. Yet, lying is one of the most universal struggles. The events of the past several days provide tremendous leverage for parents to emphasize the value of being honest.

4)     Grace and forgiveness do not mean there are no consequences and accountability

It seems there’s great confusion about grace, forgiveness and accountability. We champion second chances and forgiveness and forgetting; yet, we confuse providing consequences as being judgmental. Phrases like, “Who am I to judge,” or “We need to forgive, forget and win” reveal this confusion. Providing consequences and accountability are acts of grace, for they are designed to lead one to the realization of the impact of their choices, mold character, and point someone in the right direction. James 5:19-20 puts it like this:

“My brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover a multitude of sins.”

One can only grow and learn from bad choices with appropriate consequences. It’s foolish to assume one learns from own mistakes without consequences. That’s the purpose of discipline. This requires accountability. This is the challenge of discipline for any parent. This is a difficult lesson to teach students in a culture that seems to undervalue accountability and discipline. This, perhaps, is the most countercultural and difficult of lessons to teach our children.

We don’t need moments like this to teach our children important lessons about life and faith. But they present opportunities to engage our students and children in things they are talking about.

What are some ways you engage your students and children? What are some lessons you’d hope your children or teens could learn from such events? 

From My Shelves #2: Curriculum

The largest section of books on my shelves relates to curriculum. I have curriculum for just about everything – retreats, camps, small groups, guys/girls studies, Bible studies of all shapes, sizes and varieties. Want a Serendipity study on Romans? Got ya covered. Looking for a study about self-image for junior high girls? It’s there. I have 4 different studies on sexual purity and dating. (I should say I HAD. I now have 1.)  12 years of ministry (nearly 6 in one congregation) lends itself to collecting such resources.

Looking through these resources is like looking at old school pictures and old yearbooks. I can follow my growth, progression, development and maturation as a minister to students, children and families. I can see how my philosophy, theology, and approach to ministry has changed.

As I’ve found my way in ministry (more like stumbling in reality) I’ve become more selective in determining what and how to teach.  Here are three broad guidelines I consider as I choose curriculum.

  1. Context – Picking resources for small group settings is different from selecting for a more traditional Sunday school class setting. Are your groups gender and grade specific? Who are those you’re primarily teaching during these times? How much time/space do you have? Is it just one teacher or can you utilize breakouts? These are just a few contextual questions I consider as I choose curriculum.
  1. Teachers/leaders – This is one I consider heavily. There have been times when I know I’m swamped with other details in ministry and will rely heavily on others to take the lead in teaching. This occurs mostly in the context of a traditional Sunday school setting. During this seasons I look for teachers I can count on to put in the time and energy to make the most of the time with the students. It  also means I do a lot of work leading up to this time preparing my teachers through training and resourcing. During these times, I’m more likely to select curriculum that offers diversity of choices rather than simply relying on a discussion guide.
  1. Overall plan/goals/vision – I don’t follow a down-to-the-month scope and sequence, but I do consider the overall development of a child/teen. We can’t teach everything which means we must choose those things we think are most important. Therefore, I’ve become pretty selective in what I teach. I also work hard to equip parents and resource students for opportunities to explore Scripture and learn outside of our teaching times. There are many places to look for ideas on how to develop an overall plan for teaching. My friends at Youth Ministry Architects provide some great samples of different approaches to this.

What are some things that guide your thinking as you choose what to teach and which resources to invest in?